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I decided on a different journal format for my second goal.
6/30/2000
Well here I am at the end of the month and I finished right where I started. 260. So June was basically a wash! I'm losing at least 5 lbs by the end of July. I really, REALLY want to meet the goal of 15 by August 18. But that is 7 weeks. I don't think I'll make it, since this whole month has slipped. Oh. Well. Still choosing life. Still haven't made it past this plateau….4 weeks and counting….. I'm so piqued. The last two weeks I've averaged 1600 calories. What is up with that!!!! I guess I have lost 4 pounds but Jeez!!!! To end the month where you started and to still have behaved myself. I guess I should look at it differently. If behavior modification is really my goal, then I was a complete success. I haven't had french fries in weeks!! I haven't had second helpings in weeks! I've been so good about walking at work that the receptionist has noticed. Why my body is still holding on to the pounds, I couldn't begin to tell you. Maybe the 4 pounds this week will be the jump-start of getting off this plateau. I hope so.
I'm a little worried about next week because I am going on vacation. It's always difficult for me. I've got to stay focused. If you are reading this send a prayer my way or sign my guest book to let me know you are pulling for me. One day, one moment at a time.
6/16/2000
I am very frustrated with this whole process and myself. I gained 4 lbs. over the last two weeks. I hit my first goal on the 2nd and then just slid 4-lbs. back. The weight is just a symptom of the way I've let the lifestyle changes slip. I haven't been exercising or moving around very much at all. My eating habits have remained consistent. But I know I've got to drop to 1500 calories or I'll keep gaining. I haven't done this yet. I keep hoping that the 1800 calories will keep working. I've totally slipped back into my old habits. Here's the scary part, I'm feeling really helpless to do anything about it. This has always been the part of my behavior that I do not understand. Why do I sabotage myself?
When I went to a counselor a few years back, she told me that my childhood was so chaotic that I don't feel comfortable unless I am in chaos. She said that I purposely create chaos in my life as an adult so that my world feels "normal" to me. She said that as a child I would have created ways to cope with the chaos and that these mechanisms are missing. Until those things are in place. Until this inner child is soothed. I will continue to create chaos. What she said really rang true.
We explored what the little girl in me is looking for. That was quite an exercise. We called her 'Nita' which is a child hood nickname. She had me write a letter from 'Nita' to Anita using my left hand. The things that came pouring out of me in that exercise were so surprising. 'Nita' values freedom more than anything. 'Nita' feels confined and trapped and wants to be able to ride her bike again. 'Nita' wants to play more and worry less. 'Nita' wants to learn, learn something new and exciting. 'Nita' wants time to dream and imagine. 'Nita' is lonely and wants to be around friends more. I keep depriving her of all these things. I am 'Nita' and that part of me is unhappy. And so 'Nita' is acting up. She is throwing a temper tantrum and creating havoc.
So, 'Nita' here is my pledge to you.
I promise to work really hard so that you can ride a bike again so that you can pedal and feel the wind in your hair and your worries at your back. I'll do this by continuing to change my eating and lifestyle habits. As an incentive, I'm going to go shopping for a bike today. I won't buy one for you, yet. But I'll look around so we can picture it in our head and it will be something to look forward to. The bike will be our carrot.
I promise to quit spending so much time lounging and get out and play. I'll shoot some hoops. Go to the park and swing. Walk some trails. Feed some ducks. Swim more and lay out in the sun less. I'll find us some playmates that like board games and trivia. We will play. I'll work really hard so we can ride that roller coaster.
I promise to go back to school and expand our knowledge. We will realize the dream of finishing college. We'll learn something new.
I promise to get back to creative writing, music and painting. In the words, notes and colors we'll let our imagination run wild.
This is my pledge to you 'Nita'. I choose, life, real LIFE.
I choose LIFE! I choose JESUS!
6/2/2000 I have to keep things moving and changing or I get bored. So here's the new format. I can't believe it. I have actually made to my first goal. I didn't think it would take so long to get here, but here I am. And I have made progress on my second goal as well. My friend is going to take me to King's Island to ride the biggest, baddest, roller coaster if I reach a mini-goal of 15 more lbs by August 18. It's the best incentive I could ask for. I am needing to re-focus some for this next season. I need to spend some time with God and sort out some things. It's just so exciting to think that by this time next year, I could be playing softball or roller blading.
Last Updated on 05/08/2000
By Anita Wilson